everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
How about daylight saves us for once
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
i really liked this one
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I love this❤️😁👍
