This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Creepy-crawlies
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.