Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

The median voter

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.