My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.