Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas