Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.