ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*