Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.