Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?