I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.