Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy