Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think