Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope