I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When I snag the last meatball.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.