McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Sorted
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
couldn’t resist
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.