[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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Our lord and savoury.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The game has officially changed 😎
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets