Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I am patiently waiting for your email

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here