Dammit Chief not again
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Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
