My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
You Might Also Like
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks