that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
This meal prepping shit is easy
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.