If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
how long have you had this for?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.