If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You Might Also Like
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants