I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.