Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
No regrets in 2018
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes