Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY