Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in