Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t