I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens