A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
good work, everybody
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.