Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Brother?

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

5 ways to appear taller

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.