Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

My dating profile:

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me