Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Love is in the air fryer.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house