As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”