Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”