*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My dream car is a taco truck.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no