Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

the saddest jazz hands ever

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.