If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here