Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not