Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

why neck hurt

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.