me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys