Come back with a warrant
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude