all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Saw your ex at the shops
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay