Did I do this right
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
monday
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”