Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Sounds like a real hoot.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Ape together strong
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]