No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese