Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Never ghost your hitman.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?