Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

*weighs self after shaving

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”