Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
What the hell happened in there??
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked