Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Chicken bread

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*