Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.