“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If snakes were wide
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone